Chapter 7
[EN]
"There are friends in life, and there are friends for life"
◼️This week's post is dedicated to someone.
She’s the one I greeted first thing in the morning, even though physically in a picture frame on my shelf, and the one who currently holds the Olympic gold medal for the most frequent destination of MC's handwritten letters. I’m sure her face is not unfamiliar to you, especially if you’ve been following me since the beginning of my career. I used to consider her the 陽 ‘yáng’ to my 陰 ‘yīn’.
Let’s delve briefly into what separates a mere acquaintance from something more. Acquaintanceships are created with an incidental nature, based on convenience rather than deliberate effort. According to my experience: reciprocity, honest communication, acceptance & growth, loyalty, forgiveness, among other qualities, are needed in order for it to flourish beyond. And, disagreeing with what most associate close friendships with, it doesn’t require daily communication. As long as you spend quality time and share meaningful moments in life when you are together, the bond becomes unbreakable.
As you all know by now, my life has not been sedentary at all. That has its ups and downs, and its own set of drawbacks, while the main one being the fact that it makes long-distance relationships more difficult to sustain. Albert Einstein once said: “An individual can make a difference, but a team can make a miracle”.
And that is exactly what we strived to make together.
Most people wouldn’t understand the intricacies that having someone you really care about, not being physically present and having to constantly say and hear “Sorry, I’m working”, “Sorry, I’m out of the country”, and/or “Sorry, I’ll try next time”, entails. In my most busy years, I would come home for a maximum duration of 3 to 4 months (and that is a very optimistic scenario), all spread out and at an inconsistent cadence. Usually, people in her place would simply move on, let life unfold in a different direction and stop trying to hold on to the dim flame of memories and sporadic meet-togethers. But she didn’t for a while. She proved what the quote "the grass isn’t greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it" truly meant. Giving up would've been the easier choice but if there's anything I've learned from my time with her is that 'the hardest things are the things that are most worth doing'.
In her own words: “nada, mas mesmo nada, seja a distância, seja o tempo, seja o trabalho, nos faz sentir distantes uma da outra, porque quando nos revemos é como se não tivesse passado tempo nenhum” (EN: nothing, seriously nothing, not even the distance, the passing of time, work commitments, make us feel separated, because whenever we see each other again it’s like time stood still).
Spending long years in the company of another person doesn’t immediately result in connection. That’s because it requires something from each person involved. It requires - protecting against and repairing - disconnection. Funny enough, disconnection is bound to happen in any sort of relationship, some just prefer to turn a blind eye to it. In my opinion, it’s not the distance that creates disappointment and resentment, it’s misaligned expectations. That is why most relationships don’t last. Sustainable effort beats an endless sprint every time.
Who I am today is due to the fact that my path in life crossed hers and she opened her arms to me at 15 in a way no one else had ever done so. I could only become adventurous past a certain point, because I knew she was there to catch me if I fell. She was someone who didn’t need to know my past in order to accept me in the present, even though none of us were exempt from flaws and emotional baggage.
'To make a difference in someone's life, you don't have to be perfect. You just have to care'
Being someone’s first choice was an indescribable feeling. One I had no idea what it felt like until I met her and which allowed me to become more human, and less like an ‘emotionless robot’ for a few years.
Before meeting her, my coping mechanism had been apathy. I would often tell myself: "If I can't feel anything, I can't get hurt". Suddenly, upon being around her, I no longer felt bad or embarrassed for laughing out loud, crying in the presence of someone when necessary, "obsessing" over certain video games, tv shows, or being judged for seeing my plushies as 'chingus' (친구s); I wasn’t forcing anything in her presence, and I thought I had found someone who would repeatedly inspire and encourage me to achieve my goals and dreams.
I wrote a few paragraphs ago that not being present can present itself as a challenge bigger than one can imagine. Yet, at times, it can also become the test the friendship needed in order to reach the next step!
I was unable to choose then, but she chose to come to every birthday, she was there for every walk by the river, every coffee date and whenever a crisis arose, to a point where sometimes I felt guilty – as the delicate balance between independence and connection is risky to navigate. Despite that, with mutual intentionality to be on the same wavelength, even the occasional mix-ups were seen as opportunities to strengthen our friendship to a greater extent.
I wrote something handwritten at least once or twice a year and she collected them on a folder (I believe). We would be able to look back in a few years’ time and observe how our connection grew stronger in such a palpable manner, which I found beautiful.
However, life can be much more unpredictable than anticipated. We grew apart and I opened my eyes to the importance of making sure one surrounds themself with people that have the same core values and who are particularly unafraid to stick up for their friend, even when they'd be the only ones in the crowd to do so - as individuals who are friends with everyone, are friends with no one.
Regardless, I'll always cherish those years fondly and I thank her for helping me find meaning in a seemingly meaningless world when I most needed. -K◻️
