Chapter 9

[EN]

"Quiet people have the loudest minds" – Part 2

◼️Freedom is hard to define. However, you'll never be free if you keep pretending, or faking it 'till you make it, as life only gets better if you do.

We live in a sad generation with happy photos. The child-like innocence of a pure smile is generically gone, and we hide behind an online avatar with a carefully-curated persona. Given that fact, how can people's mental health be stable?

The focus is on being liked online, generating engagement by any means, whilst forgetting to appreciate what you have secured in life thus far. Smartphones have exacerbated the problem, as they have worsened income disparities and allowed selfishness to bring real life face-to-face connection to the brink of self-destruction, providing an addictive excuse for ignoring everyone around. The regretful part of it all is that it is done for the sake of monetizing self-expression as fast as one can.

I cringe at the thought of the number of times I've been asked ‘where the business aspect of my blog is’, or the DM's I've received on my social media accounts trying to compel me to spend my money in buying followers and promotional adverts (or pyramid schemes' ppts), just so it can be "marketed properly". If I had started this project with the intent of making money from it, I can assure you it would be much different.

That unveils a scarcity of 눈치 'nunchi' 👁️

눈' Nun' = eye, 치 'chi' = power/force; resulting in 'eye force' or 'eye measure'.

In Western culture nunchi is defined as emotional intelligence or EQ, while in the Eastern culture it is a concept of Korean psychology that goes far beyond: the subtle art and the capacity of reading the room, evaluating people's humour without a word, and the importance of context. Those who are already familiar with the term know that you don't even need to be in the room in order to predict how the sitch might unfold, since you awaken an ability to fit the perceptive cues together as if it was a mental puzzle.

The thing about nunchi is that you read the room as a whole, not the people who are in it individually, and making sure you are taking yourself out of the equation - which is precisely where most people struggle. Taking themselves out of it means they have to be able to look at something in an objective way, and therefore, penetrate the friendly egotistical façade they've created for themselves.

'Knowledge decides what to say;

Skill decides how to say it;

Attitude decides how much you say;

And wisdom decides whether to say it or not'.

The ability to stop, evaluate our surroundings and take a deep breath before saying what comes to mind is rare. Nunchi helps with understanding how words should be used sparingly and how timing is an art very few master.

My nickname as a baby used to be “the lighthouse”. I was known for my clear eyes and observation power, always checking her surroundings, who would enter or leave a room, who seemed to be happy, upset, frustrated and why; I would be the only kid at the adults' table playing with my toys but always on alert mode, though in complete silence.

Currently as a young adult, a lot of the times I can tell whether whatever I am saying is being listened to or not. Listening isn't simply hearing sounds in the backdrop; Listening should be done with the intent to understand someone else's story.

Oftentimes, people are already thinking about what they are going to reply (and they actively create the reply in their head) before the person has finished sharing their thoughts in full --> which lessens the quality of the interaction. In a setting like this, one must keep in mind that the person might not know any better and such behavioural shifts are learnable... but is that an enjoyable interaction --> not really.

I see people commit the most atrocious mistakes, all because they didn’t stop to observe and properly analyse the room they are inserted in.

It doesn’t take that much time and energy to make an effort to understand the why behind the what. I am able to look at my best friend’s eyes and immediately understand whether she wants to leave the party or event we are at. She doesn’t need to tell me she’s tired or that her social battery has been drained. She doesn’t need to be overtly expressive either. The same thing goes for my dad or other people fairly close to me. The scent in the air is enough to allow me to read the room and sometimes even between the lines.

This ability isn’t supernatural or telepathic. It’s built on long-term experience and wanting to become someone who is able to communicate well with all sorts of people and cultures, hence my desire to learn as many languages fluently as I can in my lifespan.

‘Silence isn’t emptiness, it’s fullness’. If you’re a passive observer, you only take in the sights and sounds around you. If you actually pay close attention, and leave your phone in your pocket, you’ll start to notice the small details others overlook. That can only happen if you are in tune with yourself, in tune with the world, and not dependant on any electronic gadgets for guidance.

I can sympathise with those who judge this ability as “threatening”. The most instantaneous remark I can remember as of now, was when someone would tell me that in their eyes "I am voicing my words and acting as if I was sitting on a pedestal in comparison to them”, which is the furthest it could possibly get from the truth. After I gathered various opinions on that matter, I realised the only person who felt that way, was the one who decided to comment such a strong statement. And that statement only reflected one thing: the person’s insecurity towards herself as she didn't read the room correctly.

Silence is powerful and most believe it is used in a calculated manner because they are uncomfortable with it. Silence allows for your brain to organise thoughts and feelings in a way which is otherwise unreachable.

Introverts are more comfortable with silence than extroverts. That is a fact. At times, I am asked if I am upset or angry solely based on the fact that I am quietly going about my day. I am here to tell you, dear readers, that sound is unrelated to mood.

Causing unintentional gaffes due to a lack of nunchi is sometimes hilarious, but commonly the stakes are more serious. Intent is not impact, yet - deliberate or not - it leaves a dent in one's reputation.

Everything is in flux. The room you entered 10 minutes ago, is not the same one you are now. The chapter you started reading 5 minutes ago is also in constant evolution although static. Nunchi requires processing data quickly and nimbly, much like wit. 'Survival of the fittest doesn’t mean survival of the strongest. It means survival of the most adaptable'.

Thusly, real life communication doesn’t have to be a combination of confusing misunderstandings. All you need are your eyes and your ears, alongside a flexible mindset, and the willingness to pay attention to the data points they provide, even if it means sitting through the anxiety of silence.

Try to remember this: 'Unless you are quiet by fear. You are quiet by choice'.

And I am quiet by choice. What about you? 🙂◻️